A Life of Togetherness

“Oh my god! Why are you so good at this?”
 She looked at me with sensual eyes and then within a few seconds, had her face covered in my sperm.
 “It’s just experience!”, she said, smiling her carnal smile, taking my breath away. I tried to hush the sting of her words by gazing hungrily at her enchanting body. Even though I was a virgin when i first met her, she wasn’t. I perused her every movement, her every muscle moving rousingly while she wore her clothes.

 “I ain’t giving you any more action than that. Better placate that little guy to not wake up.”

 She chuckled amusingly and I couldn’t stop myself from being embarrassed. As she walked around the room, trying to find her clothes, I got up and went to the bathroom. I had to wank. As I made my way back to the room, thinking about what to cook for breakfast today I couldn’t contain my surprise when I saw her in my kitchen, whisking away eggs to glory. She caught me beguiled and chuckled again.

 “Apart from giving good blowjobs, I can cook too. And I can assure you that I have expertise in both. Though you are well aware of one by now, might as well experience the other.”

 “I must have done something worth the reward.”

 “Ofcourse. You did jerk off two minutes ago. You must be tired.”

 She shot a nasty smile at me with unflinching eyes and destroyed me to the core. I had no other choice, so I gave up and studied her every movement again as she cooked. Through my musings of her movements I still couldn’t conclude anything. Well, even though nothing about them was graceful, rather, the way she moved was extremely audacious, there was a subtle hint of sophistication as well. This always left me in a perplexing dilemma. The more I tried to think about it, the more I felt lost.

 “Dig in!”

 I shook off my redundant thoughts and focussed my attention on the plate before, which was, undoubtedly, filled with delectable food. I devoured the scrambled eggs and looking at her, gave he a satisfactory smile. She gave a reassured smile back, which… left me absolutely astonished. What was that smile? That was the first time I had seen it. It lingered for so long in my head. I was so stunned by the fact that she could smile like that. But, it surprises me more to think that it was reaction to my praise for her food. Well, she is a woman after all.

 I cleaned the dishes and went in to take a shower while she sat on the dining table, glued to the Macbook, reading and replying to mails, maybe. Her typing skills are far superior than mine though. As I entered the washroom, I felt like not taking a shower at all. I could smell her on me, a powerful yet soothing smell. I felt perplexed by it again. She is such a conundrum. So, I stood under the shower with my face facing the falling water. I wondered whether she was always this enigmatic or something changed her. Somethings maybe. I looked in the mirror as showed up behind me.

 “I am taking the day off.”

 “Oh, why is that?”

 “Well, I need to sort out a few personal things. I will be late while coming back home.”

 “Wait! But I thought you weren’t going to work today.”

 “Yes, I am not.”

 “Then?”

 “Then?”

 “Where are you going?”

 She shot an irritated look at me and then shrugged away. That really annoyed me as well. Don’t I have a right to know these things. I felt enraged, so I quickly dressed up and left for work without confronting her about it. As I drove to work, every negative thought passed my head. What could be wrong with her? Something at work? But she said it was personal. What could be so personal? Could someone at work be harassing her? Blackmailing her? Maybe they would make her pay using her body! I mean, she is a woman who is unabashed and men don’t like that now do they?

 “Good Morning Sir!”

 “Good Morning. I need coffee. QUICKLY.”

 “Yes sir.”

 I threw my bag away somewhere and sat on my office chair, trying to calm myself. Coffee should do it. I looked out of the skyline of the city from the vast stretch of glass pane behind me. What are you upto now?

 “Sir, your coffee.”

 I sipped my ultra black coffee, trying to let it seep in my senses. For a moment, a sadness prevailed around me. She doesn’t trust me at all. Do I mean anything to her at all? She did make our breakfast today for the very first time. I was so happy about it. Though, cooking food together with her would make me feel happier. That is how I want to live with her. I wish she would speak her heart to me someday as well. Would she? I am seriously in love with her, amn’t I.

 “Sir?”

 “Yes.”

 “You have a meeting in five minutes wit the board of directors.”

 “Yes yes.”

 I don’t feel like facing the sinister old men right now. Can’t help it though. I wonder if she has such selfish men working with her as well. She does know how to tackle such people better than me. She is extremely particular herself when it comes down to work. She is an outstanding professional. No wonder she is successful. I wonder what would she choose if she had to between me and work. I am guessing it’s her work.

 It’s 11:30, where is she? I can’t reach her on phone. Nor is she reading her messages. She did take a leave from work also. I confirmed it. None of her friends know anything about it either. What do I do? I can’t just leave it be! What if she is in some danger? I feel so sure that something from work has to do with it! Men can be extremely cynical these days. But…she would tell me if something like that would happen wouldn’t she? She is not stupid enough ti think that she can fight such things on her own!…maybe…hopefully.

 I opened the refrigerator and opened myself a beer. She hates beer doesn’t she? Oh good God, WHERE IS SHE? The doorbell rang and I immediately ran to open the door, expecting her to be back. I hadn’t realised that it was raining outside and as I opened the door, she came in, looking away, completely drenched.

 “Where have you been? What’s wrong with you?”

 She did not speak a word and walked towards the washroom. I felt like a mess. So many conflicting impulses. Even though I was relieved that she was back here, safe and within my reach, was she really within my reach? Do I even know her? Who is she? Why are we together? Are we really together? What is this relationship? I feel back in the sofa, exhausted. She walked in and sat beside in the sofa, very familiarly and switched on the television.

 “They better be showing a good movie on some channel!”

 I looked at her in disbelief. My body shook with anxiety. I wanted her to look in my eyes and tell me everything. Absolutely everything. Where she was. What had she been doing. Who was she with. What did she think about me. What about our relationship. Was she really my wife. Or was this all just some sort of a game for her. Who took away her virginity. How many men had she slept with. How many so called lovers did she have. Why is she so ambitious. Why wouldn’t she rely on me…Why…Why…

 “I didn’t think that I mattered so much to you as to make you cry.”

 I felt paralysed by her words. I looked at her, weeping away miserly. She looked at me, with distress in her eyes. And then, she smiled. My heart skipped a beat at her smile. This was the second time I had seen that smile today. That made me cry even more. I felt pain and relief at the same time. I moved my trembling hand towards her and gently stroked her hair. As gently as possible. Her breathing slowed down and I could see a subtle joy on her face.

 “I am sorry. I am very pathetic husband.”

 “No. You are simply a very stupid and endearing husband.”

 “Did I hear stupid?”

 “Yes you did.”

 We laughed for some time together, in each other’s arms. She nestled happily in my arms as I held her, cherishing her presence close to me.

 “Do you want to know where I went today?”, she asked softly.

 “I definitely do.”

 She sighed and after a small pause said, “I went to visit mom’s grave today. I always go there to seek answers to questions that I myself can’t find. But today, mom did not help me. She did not give me any hints at all. It really irritated me. But after thinking for sometime, I finally realised what her silence was indicating to.”

 “And? What was it indicating to?”

 “To you.”

 “ME?”

 “Yes, you. Because I have been alone till now, playing around with my emotions, trying to find solace in thwarting them, mom was my only link to the realm of sentiments. But now, I have you too. I need to rely on you as well I guess. Though it would be bothersome for you, I wonder if that is the right way to do it.”

 “Happy realisation.”

 “Haha…Yes, yes. I am grateful to you. You give me so much space to be me at the cost of your own emotions. I was always scared about this. About hurting my man because of my selfishness. But this is how it is and now that you are stuck with me and I am planning to use you completely for my benefit, I might as well tell you more about me, so that you never cry again.”

 She looked up at me, her eyes asking me to ask her all the questions and resolve all my doubts.

 “I thought that someone at work was harassing you and was blackmailing you or something…”

 “You only blame my work don’t you.”

 That hit me with a very painful realisation. She was right. All the negative things in my head had to do with her work. Not that I hate her work or anything. But then why did it turn out this way?

 “Hmm…But I don’t have any personal issues with your work, Rather you have been an inspiration to me too. I really have no idea why I blame your work really.”

 “I wouldn’t blame you actually. It just what society conditions you to think. Don’t blame yourself. You inspire me too.” She said the last line with a smile that really shattered all my doubts.

 “Well…may I know when and how you lost your virginity. And with who…”

 “Ahaa. I saw that coming.”

 “You did!”

 “Hahaha. Of course, you have all the right to know. Well about my virginity. I lost my virginity to my husband.”

 “Oh I see…Wait! You mean me? Or did you have a husband before me too!”

 She laughed for a long time though I really did not know what to decipher out of it.

 “You are my one and only husband.”

 “But…”

 “I lied to everyone about my virginity. It was easier to shoo away men that way. No men really likes to settle down with a woman who had her cherry popped by some other jerk. It was only you. You are very amusing you know.”

 “I feel very relieved yet cheated right now. You beguile me.”

 “You beguile me too.”

 “I am at a loss of words….”

 “I hope you haven’t lost your appetite though. Hungry? Let’s continue this over food?”

 “Yes. That’s a really good idea. Umm…”

 “Yes?”

 “Can we cook something together?”

 “Why not. You weren’t expecting me to do the all the cooking alone now were you?”

 She shot her usual nasty smile at me again but her eyes looked different. They looked more cheerful. I was surprised at how well we worked together in the kitchen. She seemed a bit surprised too. I guess maybe we both had wanted to this together for a long time. We sat on the dining table together and ate while she told me about her past life. I felt proud of her past achievements and the fact that she had tackled so many problems in her life alone and unfazed. While listening to her talk I was suddenly reminded…

 “Oh! You never told me what was troubling you so much that you had to visit your mother’s grave for it!”

 “Oh right. I am pregnant.”

 “Oh you are preg….WHAT? YOU ARE PREGNANT.”

 “Yep.”

 “BUT….But… Why did;t you tell me earlier?”

 “Well it wasn’t confirmed. I dropped by the hospital to pick up the report. It could have gone both ways. If it wasn’t positive, I was thinking of surprising you at work and stealing you away for a long drive today. But because it turned out to be positive, I really didn’t know what to do about it, so I ran to mom’s grave instead. After that, I loitered around here and there, trying to figure out hat to do.”

 I was numb. Too much had happened all at once. She looked at me, worriedly, so I tried to look fine but it didn’t work. Is this all a dream? So I slapped myself, trying to wake myself up from this dream, but it really was the reality. She started laughing rowdily at me and I felt extremely helpless.

 “That’s fucking rude.”

 “Is it really?” she said while wiping away her tears of joy.

 “I LOVE YOU.”

 “I LOVE YOU TOO.”

 

 

 

As I walk towards you.

In the end I am still afraid of facing you.

To be honest, not even an apocalypse can explain the magnanimity of fear that you instil in me.

Your deep brown eyes, which tinge my reality in a warm, sepia light. Your jet black hair that reminds of a never ending night. Your well orchestrated fake smile which still comes to me as a surprise. Your unusually long fingers around which I can see the strings of my life twisted. Your unapologetic walk which always catches everyone’s attention. But in the end, it is your face while you sleep, that face of a fallen angel, that still haunts me in my sleep.

Our story has no head or tail to it. Neither is it absurd. Sometimes I wonder whether there really was or is a story concerning you or me. Maybe it’s just my wishful thinking which spun a yarn. Or maybe we do share a few moments together. Are you real? Am i just hallucinating you?

I wish to trace the beginning of our journey. All I remember is coming across a notebook which had your name. I was a new admission and a rather inconspicuous person back then. Only the class that I transferred to knew me. After a little asking around I managed to know your classroom section. I still find it odd that you never wrote your class and section on your notebooks. I want to ask you why but never mind.

When I entered your class, i instantly knew who you were. It wasn’t hard to guess as every girl kept taking your name for some flimsy reason in order to gain your attention. It took me a second to figure out that you and I could never be acquaintances, even though I have been proven wrong, i would still like to believe in my calculation back then. I handed you over the notebook and you gave me the most disgusted look ever. And you got the same look from me in return. I wonder if that is what piqued your interest in me. No girl could ever give you that look even today. Though i still can. Unflinchingly.

A few days later i bumped into you while running to class. You are so tall. I felt even more inconspicuous in front of you. As if I bumped into a hill. You muttered fuck off, only after I muttered it.

And then came the day that I am still not sure whether to consider as fortunate or unfortunate. The day when our batch gave a farewell to the passing out batch of school. On the dance floor, you attracted the most attention. Nothing new. But what was new was when you asked me to dance with you. When i heard you speak the words, I had an instant urge to go lock myself in a washroom and never come out again, but then I accepted. It’s funny how i am scared of you the most yet I act my strongest self with you. We danced around. I don’t even remember what people reacted like around us. By common sense, I believe the female reaction would have been negative. At the end of that day, we said goodbye. You gave me your number on a piece of paper and I pretended to have callously thrown it away. But then i knew the exact location of that priceless paper and retrieved it. I still happen to have it with me.

It was only fifteen days later, when you came to me in a fit of rage, snatched my cellphone, and saw your number saved under your name in my contact list. I can still visualise that sudden sense of relief that dawned over your face after you saw that. But what amused me the most was the smile that came afterwards. Your real smile. A slightly goofy, boyish yet endearing smile. I long to see it again.

As i walk towards you right now, you standing like that, with your usual élan, I can’t bring myself to not break down and cry out I LOVE YOU to you. But yet again I act the strongest.

Very smartly you gave a missed call on your number from my phone and the next thing i know is the flood of monosyllable messages i received from. You still do that. Each word in one message. And i still can’t get over how profoundly that irritates me. For some minutes, the idea of blocking you or changing my sim card hovered over my thoughts. But then I decided to act strong again. That’s how our little text conversations began.

I never paid you heed in school, you were too tinsel for me to handle. Yet you always managed to shine the brightest in order to repel everyone and then run right to me. You stole my lunches, pulled my sleeves, gave me random pushes from behind. But one day that push got ugly and I almost fell down a flight of stairs. In those split seconds in air, I closed my eyes. In those moments of darkness, a sudden warmth prevailed and engulfed me. And when i opened my eyes, I was in your arms, both of us lying on the ground, with blood from your injured head soaked in my hair. The feeling that i felt then are impossible to surmise. A subtle happiness to be in your arms, yet that inescapable fear of losing you. And guilt. And. LOVE.

After you came back from the hospital, I decided to ignore you. Several attempts at forgetting you had failed and I couldn’t figure any other way out. You knew that i was ignoring you and you knew the reason behind it as well. I could easily sense your gaze directed at me. A longing gaze. One that set my heart racing at a dangerous speed. But I exercised control. Until one day you sent a huge bunch of flowers at my place. I still find my mother’s reaction hilarious. Though it wasn’t wrong on her part. She was extremely exultant over it. Well, she always thought that her only daughter might remain single all her life. I still have the note you sent along with the flowers. It said – ‘i shall neither forgive nor forget.’ I couldn’t control my laughter. I think that i hadn’t laughed like that since ages. I called you up, and after listening to my offence, I laughed even harder. Apparently, my crime was to make you fall for me. I still smile while thinking about the pun.

We started dating once we entered college. You pursued Business Management and I, World Literature in English. I am still amazed at how your extent of being a bibliophile is still greater than mine. I still think Literature would have suited you more but clearly you think otherwise. I remember our long talks over Murakami’s Norwegian Woods. Endless discussions on religion, faith, gender, capitalism, future. I still laugh over how you ended our conversations. You would say: “now my sexy criminal, here is your punishment. I LOVE YOU.”

Everything seemed right. Until you decided to drop out of college. It was around the end of our fourth semester. Your divorced father, whose family business was based in London, had fallen ill. As his only son, your father’s family emotionally manipulated you and your mother to come and settle down with them in London. That poignant image of your face while you told me all this, is another haunting memory. I couldn’t give in. I had to act strong. So I kissed you and told you: “You better not let your father down. Go nail it!” I still feel amazed at myself. At how strong my reaction was. But i guess it was worth it. For I saw your real smile again. That completely overshadowed the memory of our first kiss. Your smile.

After you went away, you mailed me about how you took over your father’s business instead of completing your studies. Not to my surprise, the business boomed under you. You managed to create a huge empire. And finally, you became the official king that you always were. I only saw you again when you returned after 10 months, to further your business venture in our city. I think the feelings i feel now are the same as they were back then. I feared facing you. It had suddenly become convenient for me to just see you on my macbook screen during FaceTime or hearing you say the words that you wrote in your mails. But when I did see you, I wanted to hold you and never let go. I wanted to play with your hair, unusually soft hair, and drown in your smell. You smelled like you. Smell of you, aftershave, body wash and you. My favourite smell.

We spent the night together. Neither of us intended to make love. Or maybe we did. I honestly can’t be honest about this. But when we did unite, in that euphony, everything seemed right again. And then your sleeping face. The first thing i saw the next morning was your sleeping face. Initially nestled in my hair, as you slept holding me close. I tossed and turned but you did not let me go. But your face. Like the sombre of the twilight just before dawn. So enchanting, so mysterious. So much had happened since we met. But it felt like your existence in my life was always there. I had completely forgotten about the time before you entered my life. And then a painful realisation dawned upon me. How will I survive without you. These thoughts did cross my mind when you were leaving but after you left, there wasn’t a single day you didn’t FaceTime or mail me. Such commitment kept my fears at bay. But now that you were so near me, i suddenly felt lightyears away from you. That line from Norwegian Woods, I could finally feel it : Our faces were no more than ten inches apart, but she was light-years away from me.

You could easily sense something troubling me but even after you asking me, I decided to let it be. What scared me more was how you could easily see right through me. How i felt so naked in front of you. No facade hiding my reality. Nothing to save me from your eyes. I have to admit that is what scares me the most even today. Not even my parents could completely figure me out. But you. You managed to. And that scares me even today. You know my reality. You have seen my face behind the mask and you know how it looks clearly. Isn’t that what everyone is scared about?

When you went back to England, I was about to graduate. And little by little, without letting you notice, i planned to disappear from your life. And so I did. After I was accepted in Oxford to pursue my Masters, I was going to be united with you via a common city again, but I had to become independent. And hence I decided to cut all contact with you. I changed my number, email-id and every other thing thing that virtually linked me with you. After that, my family shifted to a new house ,we informed no one. No one knew where I was, and those who did,remained quiet about it on my request.

One year passed away like that. i would lie if i said that i didn’t think of you. Yes i did. I did. Trust me i did. It was on the day that i was granted my degree that i decided to indulge in an espionage to see you. The most painful yet convivial nostalgia hit me when i saw you. In your suit and tie. Entering your Bentley. You always wanted that car. You seemed content with your life. And then I saw her. The girl sitting in your car. Next to the driver’s seat. So i followed you. You took her to an overly ostentatious restaurant. Something I guessed you would have been used to now but I was more afraid to think whether you were used the girl with you as well. She was as beautiful as. I don’t even know how to describe her. As beautiful as the morning sunshine. Yes. And so I thought that you had moved on. I thought, good for you. And then, I finally cried all the tears I had forced back in the past one year.

I came back home. Stronger. I joined in as an associate professor in my former college. Things passed by smoothly. Until i saw that girl, who was with you, again. I saw her sitting in the cafeteria of the college. I walked in, I didn’t need to run away, she didn’t know me, but unfortunately, she did. She caught hold of me the moment our eyes met. It took me by surprise to have been recognised by her. She gave me a big hug and then we sat down. She told me about you. She was your fiancé. She told me how you had looked everywhere for me, developed some anxiety disorder. She was not your fiancé by choice. After your father’s family saw you like that, they decided to get you married with her. But you never agreed. Which is why you have been dating her and then finally one day you told her about me. And she decided to find me for you. She wanted to become like me in order to win your heart. It’s amusing how strictly she threatened me to back off from your life and never show my face ever to you again. Yet she needed my advice. I think she got a little dejected after comparing our looks. She was far too comely. I would have felt the same if i was in her place.

At first this idea of her playing me,irritated me. I tried advising her to be herself and win you over like that. But she was adamant to do otherwise. And so i decided to help her. I told her about your favourite books, your ideas and opinions, your likes and dislikes. She registered some to her memory and some in her little diary and took her leave. I felt happy about the fact that I hadn’t forgotten about you. After a week, you dropped by my college. And you entered my class, between my lecture. You stood there, wordless. I had to leave my class early, which had my students surprised. Somehow, i am popular with these young minds. And then after they left, you turned and walked away. I followed you. And you walked around campus and then finally to your car. She was standing there, your fiancé. I gave her the puzzled look and she explained. She somehow realised that it is only I who had your heart and we deserved to be happy together. I would say it took her less time to realise that.

She drove away in a different car and you entered your car, sat on the driver’s seat and opened the door to the seat next to you. My legs moved on their own. And i walked in. Sat on the seat next to you. So close to you. You still smelled the same. I could smell you even with that little distance between us. You took me to what seemed to me like your new apartment. A high end, expensive apartment. It felt like you. The paintings, the decor. They all felt like you. You didn’t seem changed. I sat on your luxurious sofa and then finally, clearly looked at you. You looked older. Too mature for your age. But you were still handsome. As handsome as ever. You looked at me and then fell on your knees. Your face flooded by tears. I couldn’t move. I was paralysed. I could have never imagined you in such a state. And then I mustered up all my strength and walked towards you. Took you in my arms. And cried. We cried. The only thing we hadn’t done in front of each other,let alone together. We cried.

We sat on your luxurious sofa together. Your eyes locked in mine. And then you lifted me in your arms. Took me to your bedroom, placed me on your bed and then took your shirt off. You lay right next to me. You grabbed me from behind. Nestled your face in my hair and fell asleep. In that moment, I realised my selfishness and fell asleep with you.

I woke up around 2:30 am and saw you sleeping. That face. My fallen angel. No. You are my angel. I stood up. Washed my face and made some coffee while going over the events of the day gone by. And then you walked in the kitchen. You said you were surprised that i could function so well in his kitchen. I just smiled. You knew the answer. I knew you too well. As my punishment you took my coffee and asked to make another one. I asked you whether that punishment was enough for the crime and you laughed out loud. That smile again. Your real smile. And then you said: “now now my sexy criminal, you will have to bear this punishment forever, marry me.”

I think I couldn’t breathe, but just like I act all strong in front of you, i reached out both my wrists to you and said: “i surrender Mr.Husband. you can arrest me now. For life.”

I still fear you. I still fear how you rip my facades apart.How you sense all my troubles with an unassuming easiness. Yes. I fear you. But I LOVE YOU. And now as i walk towards, towards the beginning of our new life, to sanctify our marriage, I still can’t bring myself to face you. But I want to face my future with you.

My love. I LOVE YOU.

The Usual Day

On the face of it

After a run, the usual day began. A simple certain day. Bathed, dressed up,in front of macbook with usual coffee and a newspaper.
Reading mails, replying to some, ignoring the most while figuring out the schedule of the day.
Assignment placed before deadline. Exceptional work appreciated. Nailed it.
Sober lunch at the usual little cafe. Usual meal, Caesar salad with green tea.
Back to office, the routine meeting and research on the next project.
Back to home. Mac and cheese for dinner. A piece of dark chocolate for dessert.
A little catching up with the world through social media.
Off to sleep.

Reality.

Midnight, can’t sleep.
Should i submit the assignment in tomorrow? The deadline is a week away? Would it be pretentious? Is the assignment even worth giving? Am i even worth the job? Let me check it once again. Should be good enough.
Back to bed.
Wait. Let me check it once again.
What if they ask me about the reason behind early submission? I should prepare an answer. Do I even know the answer myself? I will tell them that it is a subject I am passionate about hence i worked harder. But would that say that I am not passionate about other things.
I want to have a whole bar of dark chocolate now. No! a big basket of dark chocolate ice-cream. GO TO SLEEP!

I hate alarms, who thought of these things! Can’t such people keep there ideas to themselves. Well, I need to run. Let’s do it. Maybe skipping it is better. Or convenient for that matter.
GO! Get some fresh air damn it!

Should I run the usual path, maybe change is good once in a while. Or no maybe. Running is good, pump it up. Aww the same cute dog. OH GOD! the hot guy with a cut on his brow again! Why am i fat lord why? What did I ever do to you? The old couple walking again. Is that what my future will be like? Nah. Too much mushy love shit. But they do look cute together. Maybe i want that too! Or maybe not. I was born to be single.
Okay, let’s go back!
Hmm, should I use the wild rose body wash or the zesty lime? What’s the mood? Wild! The pencil black skirt or the trousers. Wild! The skirt. Red heels? Not that wild! Black stilettos.

Coffee and sandwich made, Macbook on. Why do people have so much time on their hands to mail me? The newspaper is filled with already committee crimes again. Why do I start my day with such depressing stuff. Why do newspaper reporters spend all their lives trying to report such depressing stuff all their lives?
Work! Let’s get on with work day.
But first, red heels.
Usual drive, maybe i should look for newer paths to work. Maybe not. The old lady beggar at the red light again. Should i ask her about her family today? No maybe tomorrow. Let’s give her the sandwich i didn’t eat earlier today. A part of my daily routine.

Fake smiles and good mornings done! Now the assignment. Let’s do it. Maybe not. Maybe yes. Oh whatever. Yes i am a pretentious bitch, deal with it as long as i am getting the work done.
The flirtatious boss smile on boss’ face again. When will this guy learn? Appreciation. Ofcourse, you better give that to me. I need another coffee before I kill this man.
Lunch time already. Smooth.
The welcoming smile from the waiter. Well, why do these guys even try, I don’t come in here to see you or ogle you everyday you know. Or maybe I do. He is cute come to think of it! Get over it.i still see the intrigue and surprise on his face after hearing the order, just that it has gotten milder over time. Yes, Caesar salad and tea does sound like breakfast instead of lunch. Nowadays, I don’t even care looking at their menu and he does not care giving me one either. Saves the trouble of choosing. He told me his name today. It’s Kabir and asked me out on date today. I tell him I will let him know if that’s possible. Simply, no.

Good lunch, usual.
No one at work knows this inconspicuous place, which works for me perfectly. Nonetheless, i always meet questions regarding my lunch place which I rubbish off by saying that I don’t have lunch and generally go out for a stroll on a new track every day. As If i could ever do that.
The project meeting. They can never deny my opinion even after tons of discussion over it. Why don’t you save time and just agree to it the moment i say it already? Don’t be full of yourself girl!

Still some time is left before work day ends. Maybe leaving early and going out somewhere won’t be an issue. Who gets work done before deadline after all. Maybe I should accept Kabir’s proposal for a date. He is my favourite guy. And i am wearing red heels. Or, maybe not. Let’s do some research on the next project.
Usual drive back home. The old lady again. Let’s talk yo her and about her family. So her son still hasn’t got his wages for the labour he did for building of a private firm. His wife is anaemic. She is pregnant and they don’t have money to get her aborted. They already have three kids. Fine. i go to this lady’s place tomorrow and get her daughter in law aborted. Pay for everything. Let’s make someone happy for a change.
Back to home. Mac n cheese in the oven. News on the TV. Let’s watch Nigella cooking today instead. Ugh i want the cheesecake she just baked. Ugh. I really want it. Well, let’s dig into mac n cheese. Quite well prepared though. My future husband is a lucky one cos i cook well. Woah! NO future husband thoughts now please.

Let’s check iMessage, whatsapp, facebook and what not. Yeah, the same old shit.
Let’s get to bed. Wait, Dark Chocolate. How did i forget you.
On bed. A usual day just went by. Or maybe really a usual day.
I wore RED STEVE MADDEN HEELS after all!
But what I need is…

 

The perfect paradox #3

Love.

Honestly no that’s one topic that everyone loves to talk about, love. I personally have come across numerous instances of love, let me state some, Romeo and Juliet, Pyramus and Thisbe and the latest being Bajirao and Mastani. Bajirao Mastani is a recently released Bollywood movie. Now one thing needs to be put in perspective here, all these stories, stories of eternal love, end with the death of the lovers. Why?

This is what I wish to discuss today. Love is in union and similarly in separation but why does the ultimate separation, death, brings about stories of eternal love. In order to decipher this let’s first go through the plots of these stories.

First, Pyramus and Thisbe. Their story is set in Babylon, both belonging to different race, in love, want to marry but not allowed by parents and in the end die due to the misunderstanding of the death of the other finally bringing peace in the society.

Second, Romeo and Juliet. Belonging to two rival families, naturally not allowed to marry each other but do marry each other, again die due to the misunderstanding of the death of the other and finally their death brings peace to the society.

Lastly, Bajirao and Mastani. Bajirao,a great Hindu warrior and Mastani a great beauty, offering of a Hindu father and Muslim mother. Extreme religious disparity. Though Mastani becomes his lawfully wedded wife. Mastani is later taken a prisoner while Bajirao is away fighting a war. Bajirao dies due to his inability to meet his lover and so does Mastani. Finally their death, though does not bring absolute peace in society, but makes the Hindu society realise it”‘s mistake of not accepting Mastani and hence losing a great warrior Bajirao.

Now, all of them sound pretty similar right? I find this extremely amusing. Let’s chart out the facts, there is always a societal disparity in terms of religion, race, et cetera and their love is extolled by the lovers death. In order to understand why these two are important factors in determining eternal love, let’s first take the whole concept of love into account and analyse.

Eros, or the romantic love takes place between two individuals. But, love does not take into account the social identity of the individuals. Love is love. It pays no heed to disparities caused by the social standing of the lovers. Now, why is this an issue? Simply because love, then becomes a factor that eulogises equality amidst everything else. No one in love is superior or inferior, no black and white, no Muslim or Hindu, no Montague or Capulet. When love takes effect, its equalises the two lovers to a state where such factors mean nothing at all. This of course is extremely threatening to our society. Imagine the whole world, aren’t we all humans but is being a human the only social identity that one states. NO. Religion, race, creed and what not. The society thwarts any kind of equality and thus, it is necessary for the society to thwart love.

The death of the lovers is thus an important event occur in order to eternalise their love. Isn’t it interesting, people never make stories of love about married couples, it’s generally about the love which has to be concealed from the society, and the irony is, it is further set ablaze due to this concealment. When they finally die, the social order is brought back in place. Thus eternal love accompanies death. Love flourishes in the face of resistance, it has to be hidden from the society in order to transcend further. Romantic love is always in conflict with community or filial love (storge) and it is the individual that’s to die.

This is all that Love has presented to me. Next time I will talk about Homosexuality.

 

the perfect paradox #2

One thing has to be clear about feminism, it simply meant EQUALITY. But it makes me question something, equality in what terms. Equality at workplace, equality in marriage, equality where? Equality in education maybe. But what exactly does this equality denote?

Let me present some more dilemmas. Take the classic example of Achilles. Achilles, the great warrior of the Trojan War, the protagonist of the iliad. He is the epitome of manhood, the epic hero. But exactly was he like? He was one emotional man. If you actually go through the Iliad, at one point he is crying in front if his mother and some time later he is killing people, causing havoc like a savage beast. And he practically stands at the acme of all men. Coming down to someone more peaceful, Buddha. If you go through the life of Buddha you will realise that the very reason he decided to renounce his life was because he was an extremely emotional man. Inherently sensitive to the problems of the world. If one wants to go deeper into the critical analysis of the depiction of man, depiction of male throughout literature , then it becomes impossible to deny the fact that the present notions of male individuality is absolutely the opposite. Take Christian Grey or Edward Cullen for that matter. If you actually take a dive into their psyche, they are extremely emotional men just bounded by societal compulsions and even personal compulsions to hide this fact. Now, what are men like today? Let’s evaluate. Men are supposed to be strong, not cry, not show their emotions or that makes them girly. Being a girl here being an insult for them. Interesting.

Another aspect of this scenario is whether this makes men happy or not. The issues are simple. We live in a male chauvinistic society and there is no denying that but are the males, the men of our society happy with that? Is it okay to just keep suppressing one’s emotions and then further gain an outlet through violence or other apparently socially unacceptable acts which are then taken as being okay because men will be men? It is really important to accept that men are humans too. They have emotions as well.

Before I continue I need to shed light on other issue. What is this black and white demarcation of norms for men and women. As i stated earlier, if men are supposedly trying to achieve the heroic stature then they should be emotional beings and not rigid individuals, that is, if the portrayal of such heroes in history is to be believed. So where did these norms come from?and more importantly, who is benefiting from it. Women are not happy, men are not happy let alone the transgender people, nobody wants them to be happy, so what exactly is going on. Isn’t life about happiness. And if being in denial of the worldly illusions really creates happiness, no wonder Sigmund Freud nailed it with his psychoanalysis!what are we trying to pursue? A friend of mine said, we don’t chase fame or money, we chase happiness. But within our capitalist society, we do chase money and fame in hope for happiness. Ridiculous! What are we doing. Creativity becomes madness and people who appreciate creativity are tagged mad as well! Okay now that’s taking it to a different tangent but all the men out their, ask yourselves a question, are you happy?And is money really the basis of happiness?Today, being very honest, a man is only worth the car he owns and the flat he lives in and in all, the salary he earns. Emotions or personality take a backseat, oh wait, they don’t really have a seat to take.

A lot has been spoken about women and feminism in its truest essence has nothing to do with degrading men in order to prove that women are equal. Marilyn Monroe said that women who try to be equal to men, lack ambition, and, I agree. I understand that situation today is a very desperate one. The dichotomies present in the world in order to institutionalise what women are supposed to be and what men are, is the basis of all problems. It’s like the divide and rule scenario. In such a situation the easiest way out is to clearly substantiate that men are wrong and women need to be respected for being women. No. Simply no. Women don’t need to be respected for being women, they simply need to respected for their individuality. You need to be respected for who you are and what you do, completely unrelated to your gender.Yes there are crimes against women and women are not given equal opportunities and the situation is rather complex. But there are things women need to realise, firstly, you are not inferior to men, secondly you don’t need to prove you are superior to men by degrading them, thirdly, be who you are, unapologetically!

Do people even realise that men and women are sex related terms and male and female, gender related. And another thing, when the whole society is trying to prove that men are superior, has anyone thought of what exactly makes them superior? They possess the phallus, but what significance does the phallus have without the vagina? And then why is the phallus so superior? Something to be proud of by men? And why are men sexual beasts? Women are supposed to be more sexually insatiable than men, shouldn’t women be the sexual beasts then? And why are men and women so annoyingly objectified over sexuality? Men being the carnal monsters and women the virginal victims or objects of sexual arousal!

These questions are a subject of long standing debates but there are two things which are very important to be thought about. First, why is our society so divided and who benefits from it? Second, are you a victim of capitalism?

I will leave the matter here for you to think. the next paradox will be LOVE!

The perfect paradox #1

What is good and evil? Right and wrong? Normal and abnormal? Sin and virtue?
When you walk a path of compromise, then feelings don’t become important, the results do. When you live in a world striving for results, you compromise. So. Think.
If you lived in a world with no definitions, no societal standards, would you be happier?

‘La Mode’ Models

   
   
My fashion models!!!!!!

Ask me again.

There have been infinte times when someone asked me a question which should not have been asked at that particular moment of time and i gracefully answered in a way which is supposed to be a great example of euphemism but the real answers are wandering within and this post is basically the outlet they were seeking.

Situation- I am basically failing in the exam i just gave. My eyes are swollen cos i am crying with my head down.

Question- Hey why do you have your head down topper!?And what is with those eyes babe? I am so sure you are going to get the highest marks in the class this time around as well aren’t you!?

Euphemised answer- nah it’s nothing. I was just studying hard yesterday and had to pull an all nighter and so i am really sleepy right now. And please dont flatter me. I get average marks.*sweetest honey coated smile*

Actual answer- what the f**k do you want you jerk. Get your ass off my face you farcical nin-cum-poop. I am bloody failing in that exam. Dont you ever show me that ridiculous face of yours you fucktard.*middle finger salute*

Situation-i am on a diet cos i have gained five kilos of weight in the last month and i just brushed away an offer to accept a huge bar of yummmmm chocolate from a guy who was basically trying to hit on me instead of being sweet to me.

Question- Nidhiiii ya! That guy was so sweet ya! How could you ignore him ya? You are such a nasty bitch ya! Why dont you try be more sociable ya? And you are totally not fat ya, why you dieting ya?

Euphemised answer- Haha*graceful laugh*. I am fat yes! You are just too sweet to notice. And the guy, i just guess it wont work for us, i am bad at relationships you know.

Actual answer- wow. So i am a bitch cos i just pushed a too overfriendly guy away. I have a sense of self respect dude and seriously are you blind to not notice that i have gained weight and i need to shed those kilos. And i am the bitch. Like seriously get over it you bitch. You wanted the guy for yourself right. Then go get him na! Stop babbling shit to me!!

Situation- my mom just denied me to attend an awesome party. I am already depressed about it and also cos all the peeps around me are totally going to attend the party and my best friend who is supposed to come and share my sorrows comes to me and asks.

Question-oh my gawd nidsy! What should i wear! I have no clothes….please suggest me something..pls let me borrow some of ur clothes…pretty please..i love you na!

Euphemised answer- oh come on babe! You have all the right clothes in ur closet, i am sure you will look great! Just be yourself and if you really need it, you can take my stuff ofcourse!*the trying my best to be sweet smile*

Actual answer-okay! I don’t know you anymore! Bye *crying*

Social anxiety

Sometimes i wish to be loved by a mistake , to be cherished by a disaster, to be celebrated by destruction, to be cuddled by affliction, to be protected by sin.

The coup d’essai made by me to understand my broken soul mirrored a yearning for a calamity. The one which could justify my shattered elan vital.

My mercuriality regarding love deserves a coup de grâce for the suffering is no longer bearable.

Silence. All that exudes from my body is silence. A dangerous silence. The one before a treacherous storm.

I live alone in a coccoon of social anxiety. Wrapped by a deadly desperation. Longing for nothing.

Hallucinations of an angel: chapter 10

A note from the author- you can totally kill me if you want for posting this chapter so late but the sad part is that such delay might continue due to the situation i am in now. Thank you for reading my story. Please make sure you read the former chapters to understand the story better. Here we go!

‘In the gnostic mythology,milady, a Barbēlō is often depicted as a supreme female principle, the single passive antecedent of creation in its manifoldness. The emanation of Barbēlō may be said to function as an intermediary generative aspect of the Divine, or as an abstraction of the generative aspect of the Divine through its Fullness. The most transcendent hidden invisible Spirit is not depicted as actively participating in creation. This significance is reflected both in her apparent androgyny (reinforced by several of her given epithets), and in the name Barbēlō itself. To be not very prolix milady, Barbelo is simply an angel, angel of goodness, an angel who is also symbolised as the bearer of fertility and child birth. She stands at the apex of the female angels in theology!’

‘I see, so basically everything about her is positive!’

‘Yes milady!’

‘Erika!’

‘Yes Gerard!’

‘Please allow me inside your room Erika!’
‘Why not! Aunt Amber, you may leave and let Gerard inside.’

‘Yes milady!’

‘Thank you for enlightening me Aunt Amber!’

‘It is an honour milady!’

Amber, the oldest maid of the Plath house, gracefully walked towards the door and opened it for the highly agitated Gerard. She gave him a look which was enigmatic and esoteric, certainly something which was indicating towards a new trouble.

‘Miss Amber, what were you and Erika talking about?’

‘Nothing much, i was just quenching her thirst for knowledge.’

‘Knowledge about what exactly?’

‘Apparently the Mythical Barbelo!’

All blood had drained from his face upon hearing that. He gulped and entered Erika’s room, frightened. His expressions were rather forlorn.

‘For goodness Gerard! What the hell is wrong with you today! I was just curious about something that’s all!’

‘Where?’
‘Where what!?’

‘When?’
‘When what Gerard!’

‘How?’

‘Would you tide over the monosyllable questions please and come to the point!?’

‘Why do you know that word Erika?’

Gerard’s voice was just a notch lower than a thunderstorm. He was sweating heavily, his eyes red with rage and a complexion that reeked of anger. Erika had seen him before like that, that is whenever she made a mistake and was very well aware about her wrong actions, though knowing the very fact that you are about to commit a mistake and yet doing it doesn’t make it a mistake, it translates into foolishness. But right now, she had no idea as to what she did was wrong to aggravate Gerard’s anger to such an extent.

‘Why? Well your lovely cousin called me that!’

‘Cordelia!?’

‘Yes.’

Gerard gaped at her while her confusion escalated further. She never liked him this way but earlier she would accept it knowing that she deserved it but right now things were very different from the usual. This situation was odd.

‘May i ask you something Gerard!’

‘Yes.’

‘Is it me or or your hair seems orange in colour,’
‘What the fuck!’

He leaped towards the mirror at once and saw the same old black hair on his head but what was more relieving a sight was the one he saw when he turned towards Erika. Her hair flew around her face like the sun rays exuding from the sun as she sat their brimming with mirth and laughter.She is the sunshine, the light. She is beautiful like the jubilant rising sun. *i love her, no wait*
‘Gerard!’

Her call interrupted his contradicting thought process. He looked at her with painful eyes. *i don’t want to lose her. I want to protect her. Our fates are against us but i wish to love her and cherish her and celebrate her*

‘Gerard! What are you thinking my darling nuthead!’
 She leaped out of bed and walked towards him and as the distance between them decreased, their heart-rates increased. The longing love that hung in silence was appalling. They hated their situation. Love yet no love. Yet this time, Gerard didn’t stop. He needed her right now. She finally stood in front of him with nothing but their clothes debarring their physical contact. Their eyes locked into each other’s. Intensity of their gaze could set the universe ablaze and as they stood their, wordless, a sudden yearning prevailed their senses and tears rolled down his eyes. She wiped away his tears with her fingers while absorbing his sorrow thoroughly. 

‘Gerard! I LOVE YOU’